And just like that…I start again.
There is something very cathartic about moving. Clearing out old crap you don’t need or never used.
That is, when you do it nice and slow and just one step at a time
When you move house, you’re meant to just do that. Find a place to live in your comfort zone. Pack up your house. Throw out all the crap. Donate all the good stuff. Hire removalists to carry and move everything. Move. Unpack. Breathe.
That’s the rules to doing one of the most stressful things on the planet. THAT’S THE RULES.
But what do I like to do kids?!?! I LIKE TO BREAK THE RULES. EVEN WHEN I DON’T WANT TO.
In 4 weeks I somehow did the following.
-Step 1…Decided to close the physical shop of Little Paper Lane and go online only. Cue..massive panic. All the regular scary thoughts. ‘How the fuck will I do this just online. Will anyone still support me online. Will every other business out there copy me and do what I’m doing and just make me shrink to the bottom(A HUGE REASON WHY THE SHOP COULDN’T STAY WAS BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE DOES EVERYTHING I DO AND I’M TIRED). It’s so hard to evolve constantly…so hard. So I had to close, to try to survive. I’m heartbroken and relieved. I didn’t want my shop to close. Never. In fact I wanted to open more of them. But I yelled so loud. SO LOUD to everyone who would listen to support small and local shops and businesses. I’ve been the loudest I could and it wasn’t enough. And when I decided to close, at least 6 other shop owners messaged me to say they too will close soon. It’s heartbreaking. But then the stress of it is so high, only another shop owner can understand what it’s like.
-Step 2…I went on sale to get rid of EVERYTHING in the shop and if you’ve ever run a sale in a shop, it’s HECTIC. Especially a small shop because we can’t survive on sales. In fact I lost more money being on sale but everything had to go. Plus everyone coming in the shop to say goodbye and support us. It was emotionally beautiful and also so so draining. But the sale…HOLY FUCK. Just non stop packing and entering and packing. While serving customers. And we don’t have staff to do all this. It’s just Steve and I(Don’t forget we are separated, so we tried to keep it as peaceful as humanly possible). But GG aka my Mum was there everyday. I would rock up and the woman had been there since 7am packing orders. She’s unbelievable. UNBELIEVABLE
-Step 3…Not having the shop meant I had to drastically drop my rent somehow. If you live in Sydney you know how high rent can be. And if you live on the Northern Beaches then you pay high rent just for a car port. Over the years people would say to me ‘Just move’…are you fucking kidding?!? If I hear anyone ever tell anyone to ‘just move’ I will drive to their house and let Thor hump them in the ear. ‘Just moving’ in the situation I am in, meant I had to move away from Sydney. I am separated with a 6 and 11 year olds I would have to take out of their school they love. I have chronic pain and an anxiety disorder. I have two very large athletic dogs who rely on my ex husband to run them next to a bike every day, but he lives in a van so both can’t live with him, and I rely heavily on Thor to ease my anxiety and panic attacks at night. He’s a good guard dog and my brain copes with him around. But sweet mother of cheese he is a lot of work. And we all know how much work Coco is with her separation anxiety. My entire family lives within 10 minutes of each other. And my Mum helps me with a lot of things, and more now than ever because I am a solo Mumma, she helps me with the kids, and my mentality and my physicality by being a freak of nature in the strength department considering she’s tiny. My Dad is just around the corner and helps when I need a school pick up, both my brothers live within about 5 minutes and my sister and law and I are close and I’m obsessed with my nieces. So ‘Just moving’ was to be a mammoth effort. My Mum somehow worked even more than she had been. And she’s just had thyroid cancer and some unbelievable medical eruption causing her to be hospitalised it was so bad. And she was either at the shop or at my house packing non stop to help me. Even my friend Leash who has 18 month old twins and a 4-year-old was at mine scrubbing the house.
After a lot or research and visiting the central coast with my dad looking at different areas until I ‘felt right’ I decided on Umina and then My mum and I and the kids drove around one rainy Saturday and looked at house after house from a list I had researched from for about 2 weeks getting the times all right for open inspections. We looked at a bunch and I liked 2 different places. One I liked the house the most it was cute and enough space for the business to be online only, but the position of it I didn’t love as much. The second place I loved the area so much more, and the house felt ‘right’ in my guts. But the rent was a bit more. So I applied for both. I got knocked back on the cute one in the not as nice area and I got the place that felt right.
Don’t forget how hard it is getting a rental with a dog. So I was in a bit of a panic I wouldn’t find anything, but the central coast is very pet welcoming. Every house here has a dog. You can take your dogs to the beach here. THE BEACH. The Northern Beaches suck for animals. We made a very hard decision of splitting the dogs up though. It’s been the hardest thing for my anxiety. Coco is PERFECT for me, when I am home. Like perfect. But she turns mental when I leave. The anxiety of that is really hard on me. I have a huge anxiety issue with going out anywhere and it just shouldn’t be that hard to go to get groceries. Thor is a pain in the ass when I am at home because he just follows me everywhere and if I am working I walk around doing things. But he is crate trained(Laundry trained) and can happily sleep in the laundry with his bed and water while I’m out and not be stressed. And he lays his head on me when I have panic attacks at night. He is also a pretty fierce guard dog. No one is coming through that door with him around and my irrational anxiety kicks in at night because I have a fear of someone breaking in. I have always been like that and I never really knew why then recently mum told me a person broke into our house when I was really little like maybe 2-3years old and broke through my window and I was like OMG THAT EXPLAINS SO MUCH. Thor is a pain, but he’s also smart and I can continue to be firmly training him. So we have decided Coco will go with Steve. She loves the van and even when he isn’t around she loves it in winter. So they are going to the snow for the season and hopefully I will cope without her cuddles(I WONT) My Brothers, and Dad and even Steve all rallied together and did the mega mission of moving all my stuff up the coast to the new house. And Just as I was driving away to go to the new house Iggy broke down.
The kids have not made any of this hard. They didn’t make it hard when we separated, and they have not made any of this hard for me at all. But both my kids have anxiety in different ways, and Iggy just broke. And that broke my heart. And even with him breaking down he still understood and still laughed when I told him would it make him feel better if I sang ‘dust in the wind’ as he looked out the window crying as he drove past his old school. Humour will always get us through.
-The other thing I had to organise was the kids going on a trip. Their grandparents(Steve’s parents) bought them tickets to Canada to see them. Now if you’ve ever been overseas with kids, the organisation of their packing is huge. And the house I was moving on the 16th/17th and the shop was closing the 23rd and they were leaving with Steve the 25th. So Not only did they need their bags packed, they needed a bag for the week packed because Iggy was staying at my Dads and Minty was staying and my brothers because my nieces are there. So I needed that packed, PLUS a bag for the weekend because we would be driving the dogs up to the new house because Coco is staying with me until Steve is back. So I was very organised and I was staying at Mums the last week so we could be in the shop every day for the sale and to say goodbye to customers and Steve was at the old house doing all the gardens and finishing last-minute house stuff. Then on Monday my Sister in law said my niece was pretty sick with a head cold and I didn’t want Minty getting a head cold for the plane because she gets car and air sick so having a head cold would kick it all into gear. So Minty stayed with Steve on the Monday and Tuesday and Wednesday with me at Mums, but on Monday arvo Iggy rang to say his head was itchy….BECAUSE OF COURSE IT WAS. And my Dad would have no clue how to deal with nits. So I grabbed this nit stuff after work someone said was the best, and Iggy gets nits all the time and I had never tried it. So I went to Dads to go on nit patrol and 1 second into putting the stuff on Iggys head and he was in pain. He had a reaction to the nit stuff. GAH. He sometimes has skin sensitivities to certain things and this one was stinging the hell out of him. So I just had to white condition the hell out of it and comb for dear life. The the next day he said it was still Itchy….SHOOT ME. So I grabbed him and kept him with me and got the regular nit stuff and sat and pulled the bastards out at Mums. He was nit free the next day.
So once the shop shut for the last time on Saturday 23rd after a great week with our beautiful customers, I had to get the two kids and two dogs up to my new place. My Dad and Brother were coming up Sunday morning and Steve was following with a truck of all the shop furniture and they were all going to unload. So 3 minutes into me driving Thor starts crying like crazy and I knew he needed the toilet so I found some grass and he crapped for dear life…then ran away. AWESOME. 5 minutes later he was crying because he couldn’t get in the front seat, then he needed water. So I stopped for a bottle of water and he cried like crazy cos I wouldn’t let him into 7 11, then he drank all the water, then 5 minutes later he was crying cos he wanted to wee. So I stopped for a wee break then on the free way he cried because he wanted his head out the window and it was 4 degrees and we all froze just to shut him up. Coco never even blinked. Passed out in the boot. 10 minutes before home Thor settled because we put a pillow in-between Iggy and I and he could lay on it then 3 minutes later Coco stood up and cried for a toilet break. FUCK A FUCKING DUCK.
The next day The boys unloaded all the shop stuff into my house, then I drove back to mums with the kids and made sure they were all packed and we got up at 4:10am on Monday to go to the airport. Off they went to Canada. Then I went I did crystal buying and back to the shop to clean the shit hole with mum. then back up the coast to get back before 5:30pm for the last ferry for my dad.
And If you survived reading all that…well done. I think I’m alive?! I am doing some crazy training with Thor, and getting used to the new house. My Mum came up the first weekend and stayed a couple of nights and serious that woman should run the planet. We basically had the entire place unpacked, organised, and I she even managed to make me a cheesecake so I made her soup and we worked like crazy all day and then flopped at 9:30 to watch handmaids tale and eat cheesecake. We have the most fun and work so well together it didn’t feel like crazy work. Plus she knows how much pain I am in and makes me sit and rest my back while she lifts a tonne of shit into the shed alone like a freak of nature. I love her the most and you should too.
So my kids come back in 8 sleeps and I’ve been actually really good because I’ve been busy with everything but also trying really hard to take it a bit slower and get sleep. I keep having waves of panic about making my business work online only, because people always assume I am so busy online because I have a few followers…but the truth is that it’s not as busy as it seems and I need to learn how to market everything different and it feels a bit scary.
But if anyone can dominate a scary journey…it’s me.
And now I can start writing again. But what the fuck will I say?
I guess whatever I want?! That’s the great thing about new beginnings.