I’ve been separated now for 2 years. It’s gone quick because so much has happened in that time.
Since I separated, Minty went through 6 months of a torturous fungal infection that kept her quarantined for 3 months at home and in pain like you can’t imagine. I closed my physical shop and went online only. I moved my kids up the coast mid way through the year and disrupted their lives and had to navigate their new anxieties. They went overseas to their dads family for 3 weeks and Minty couldn’t handle the separation and now has a lot of trouble being away from me. Their dad Moved to the snow for 5 months last year and has just done the same in the last week and dealing with their daddy not around is very hard mentally. In January, Thor(my german shepherd) turned around too quickly bashing into me and dislocated my knee. I couldn’t get it back in place and Iggy had to ring the ambulance. I have some issues now with it like bursitis and small tears but still a lot of pain and weakness and I freak out it will pop out everyday. The anxiety sux! Just before that happened I was diagnosed with tendonosis of the achilles. It’s similar to tendonitis but it’s like a disease of your tendon and extremely painful and very very slow to heal. Like could take years or not ever heal. 3 weeks after I hurt my knee I slipped on some steps and fell on my right knee which years ago I had a very traumatic knee injury where my knee ripped apart and was held together by skin. I have PTSD from the injury and when I fell I badly grazed my knee along the sandpaper type grip strips that are on tiled steps to stop you slipping and the grazing has scared my knee really badly. I broke the scar tissue in my knee which was so painful I almost threw up and fainted. I am a pain warrior but this just fucked with my head. I formed bursitis in the knee, tendonosis in the tendon which was already not great and did some damage to a ligament. It’s already a painful knee so mentally and physically it’s been bullshit in my brain. My chronic pain from my back and nerve damage has escalated due to the knees and ankle and mentally I’ve been ok but I’ve been a zombie. I am still me, but I had to rest for so long and still do that I have been very unmotivated.
The kids have been ok. Iggy has settled much better than last year. It was hard for him and he wanted to be home with me a lot. And so I let him because that’s what he needed to get though. Minty recently has not been mentally coping because she isn’t dealing with her daddy leaving for so long. She now has so much trouble not being with me. She can’t sleep in her bed. She has nightmares if she is in her bed. Even with me she wakes up crying. She is such a happy little thing always so to see her go through so much anxiety is hard. She is so strong yet she has so many worries in her head. Both rational and irrational. She is so much like me in so many way I hope I can support her the best way she needs.
Business has been slow because I haven’t mentally given it the energy it needs and my finances are scary so its all very stressful.
But I am me and I am feeling at peace even with all the intensity that has gone on to get to this point. I feel like I can start working on helping my pain and health, and I am trying to mediate and work more on socials and now blogging again and I want to work as hard as I can so I can take the kids travelling.
A lot has been in my brain and I am now trying to just settle.
THE QUESTION One thing everyone over and over again asks me, and in such a loving and well meaning way always, ‘when will you start seeing someone?!’
It’s something everyone asks me a lot. And they seem super concerned about it. Like WAY more than I am and it’s a bit hilarious the intensity of their concerns for it because honestly, it’s not a priority to me. FYI I don’t in anyway get annoyed at them. These people love me and just want happiness for me.
Right now it’s the last thing on my mind. Not because I don’t want to meet someone, we are all human and all need affection and love, and if it happens I am open to it, but it’s not a priority. And if I am completely honest with myself and you, I think I just feel too gross within myself to meet anyone. Yes I look glorious in makeup and my hair is amazing when I make an effort, but this body is floppy and horrible, and I am in so much pain, and my brain is so exhausted with so many things right now, I am not a good candidate for a guy. They just don’t notice me these days. I had all their attention when I was younger so I’ve had my time.
And can I tell you a secret you can judge me about all you want because I dont care…I refuse to date a dude who isn’t financially stable. I can’t handle life with anyone I have to look after financially or has no ambition. I may sound like a snob but I am exhausted from being broke. I can’t look after someone who is also broke. If I am being super super honest I would even love to be looked after so I can just work and enjoy the work instead of freaking the fuck out about rent..I will always work..I will always work hard…But I just want to be taken to dinner and no one stresses about the bill. Unfortunately I am not a hot 25 year old size 8 that can demand a man that exists like that. Yeh yeh I know not all guys like hot 25 year olds, but they are rare no matter what you say. The only dudes looking at me are the guys that work at construction on the road. Like those guys holding the stop signs. I’m serious. For some reason I look good driving. And thats it. No other contenders. I mean thats fine as long as he works hard and gets paid well but why is it roadworkers?! Who know!?
My anxiety would be OFF THE CHARTS if someone ‘set me up’. Because all I would be thinking about is ‘he thinks I look gross’… yes I am hilarious and can have a super great conversation with anyone but at the end of the day I am self conscious and live in a body I don’t like. And I need to like that body before anyone else will. And I am anxious as fuck about not being liked.
And I worry about my kids. They are my priority. And YES my happiness is very important and if that happiness came along I would be there with open arms and willing to be loved, but I am 40 in November and I need to sort my shit out.
It doesn’t bother me much though that I haven’t got a guy or been with a guy since I separated. I didn’t really have a choice as I dont get free time or I dont like to hang with people heaps but I understand why everyone else wants it to happen. I just don’t even know when it would have been able to even happen?! The kids dad when he’s not living at the snow comes up on the weekend and takes one kid at a time. He lives in a bus so they often park here or hang at the house so I always have one of the kids here as well as him and the other kid hanging out so would be a bit uncomfortable trying to date some guy and have dinner at home because I have one kid still there and can’t go to a restaurant and everyone drops in to have a shower or do laundry or something. Totes awkies.
But honestly, don’t sweat it. I’m not. I have to work on me liking me more and helping my smallest babe learn how to manage her anxiety, Iggy has recently had some new life changes and needs to be supported and loved by his Mumma as I always will and we will live as happily as we can.
If a guy comes a long and can handle The Jayde Universe, then he truely is a hero of the cosmos.