It’s a weird weird feeling. Knowing you’re meant to implode at any moment, waiting everyday for it to happen…then nothing. Well maybe not 100% nothing!?? I’m on day 3 of anxiety shutdown that usually happens when my brain can’t hold shit in it any longer.
And anxiety is crippling as fuck yes, but it’s normal for me to have anxiety. I ride anxiety like fuel to get through my day. I am not waiting for regular anxiety. I am waiting for full-blown breakdown to take over.
You see I don’t want it to happen and I am working my hardest mentally for that to not happen, but it’s just kind of naturally what I think everyone thinks is going to happen to me?!
I’ve not opened up about a few things online until now because honestly, it’s a huge massive adjustment, but it’s also kinda not as dramatic as everyone thinks it is. Ok yes it is. It’s huge but it’s Ok.
Our family has shifted and changed and we are living a new kind of family life. It’s not easy. But it’s also not hard because we aren’t horrible assholes who hate each other or have made lives for each other hard. So we are peacefully living a new family life.
I don’t have to write the nitty-gritty details out because there isn’t nitty-gritty to tell and even if there was nitty-gritty I wouldn’t tell you because I just told you I’m not an asshole and it’s not fair to my kids or Steve or me to tell anything that doesn’t need to be told. I don’t have any secrets or any ‘goss’ to tell and I think people feel weird asking me about things, but I have no problem talking about what’s going on, I just don’t really need to go on and on about it online because that won’t be beneficial to my brain right now or to my kids in the future. We now have a different kind of family life and it’s hard but it’s ok right now. I might open up more down the track maybe I won’t?! I do know I have to write things down when my brain starts getting wild, so this is my wild late night brain talking. Even though I scheduled for the morning for this to post 😉 hehe.
Sometimes you have to live a different kind of family life that you started out thinking was going to go a certain way and then it takes a different direction and it’s an adjustment but you make it as
peaceful as you can.
So between that and trying to be super conscious of not fucking my children up, Minty’s infection (that is now starting to look like it may start healing after almost 6 months) and my Nan is not very well which has been so hard on my Mum and my Aunty and Uncle, my business taking one mother fucker of a hit of quiet trade, my pain being not so glamorous this year, and Stalker woman lurking in the background leaving a sense of unease in the air, I’ve been wondering why I haven’t lost my shit. Like proper lost my shit. I just kind of don’t have time to have some sort of mind implosion.
Do you ever get like that?! When you just have to get shit done so you can’t have a nervous system shutdown this week?!
This week since my anxiety is heightened I have felt like the ‘worry’ of the previous months has kicked in now. Logical worry crossed with illogical anxiety is one mother fucker of a shitstorm in my brain. But I just have to get through. And I will. We all will.
So for now I am just going to work my ass off, love my babies and try super hard to not screw them up as human beings, grow a new friendship with my now ex-husband(that’s super weird to say ex-husband because we all have dinner together every night and we have a business together) and try to create peace. In our home and hopefully in my head.
Fingers crossed for no meltdowns.
via Veronica Dearly