2017 was a weird year.
I separated from my husband. Minty had the most horrific infection on her head of all time which kept her from kindy for 6 months and it’s still not 100% and may not be for years. The shop went from quiet to EXTREME quiet and a big company that’s a supplier trying to bankrupt my business for a mistake THEY made, which took the anxiety and stress factor to a new level. My Mum was diagnosed with Cancer. And the dogs ate all the Christmas presents under the tree. And all the fun in between stuff that just makes up every day life
It was never ever going to be a ‘fresh start’ on January 1st. Too many things still stood in the way of the ‘fresh start’.
About 3-4 month ago, my anxiety started to escalate. It’s always lingering, but it’s like a rollercoaster that goes up and down and around my brain over and over. I’m quite high functioning for the most part when it comes to anxiety and my chronic pain, so I just go through life trying to use the anxiety as fuel. But this time I was stopped in my tracks.
I don’t sleep too well in general. It takes me ages to fall asleep, but I usually go into a deep sleep by about 4am, but I was falling asleep and waking up every half hour super awake and super panicked. And so the lack of sleep made the anxiety unbearable.
I lost all concentration. Everything was annoying to do. My chest was physically sore from my heart beat. I found a new dr who is LOVELY. She has sympathy and empathy for my pain and brain and that’s hard to find in a dr. She put me on new medication, an anti-depressant, which I’ve never been on before. It’s only half the dose recommended because I’m coming off a nerve drug I take that blocks me from losing weight and can have a weird interaction with this new one, so fingers crossed I don’t become a zombie, but so far it’s been fine and moving up the coast has been really good. I feel tired. But I also feel motivated and content with everything. Apart from the mum guilt of moving the kids. But they started school two days ago and so far it’s ok.
Iggy has made a couple of buddies who went out of their way to hang out even though they aren’t in his class. I already know they will be lovely friends because as we walked into school the first morning all 3 of us so nervous and pretending to be ‘cool’, a nice mum told us good luck and that she follows us on IG and it turns out one of the boys is her son. So nice Mumma at the school gate, you raised a lovely little dude who has made Iggy smile. He will take time to adjust. Minty said she already has a BFF so I think she will be sweet 😉
Before I closed the physical shop at the end of June, I started to slowly make changes to my online personal profile.
I just felt like I needed to change my online space slightly. What I have observed the last year or two is that my social media and here on the blog, people are not engaging in anything business related. The shop doesn’t hold people’s interest like my personal life does. In the early years of Little Paper Lane, it succeeded because of me sharing the humans behind the business. Now the humans(and dogs) behind the business are what people want to hear and learn more about. Of course the online store is still popular but it has taken on its own evolution over the last 2 years and I will slowly make more changes there too but I don’t want to scare the masses too much. I’ve already had a supplier have a tanty over selling crystals because they do too…*cue eye roll…the evolution began a while back and the personal side of things is so new now I am living up the coast with the kids and Thor(don’t freak out like one cunty cow did about Coco not living with us. She was saying I was a ‘irresponsible’ for giving her to Steve HER DAD….how fucking dare I. I only have two kids a business and a german shepherd to deal with alone away from my home and my family while navigating chronic pain and an anxiety disorder…and now apparently I had depression too…how fucking dare I…don’t worry…she got a new asshole ripped throughout her soul by me…but Coco is fine. She’s just living with Steve full-time now and they are at the snow for the season. It was a bit too full on for this tired Mumma to have everyone full-time. It’s kind of full on no matter what but taking the dog out of the equation that can’t be left alone due to anxiety and isn’t allowed at the dog beach because she will kill the other dogs, takes the pressure off me just a tiny bit. I’ll be pretty much 100% a solo parent so fuck you bitch and your judgemental bullshit. No kids, no job, no house and has to live with her mum because she drinks too much and can’t keep a job and she’s like 50….Pretty sure I’m justified mother fucker…you are not.
So I’ve begun a new Universe.
This Universe is a place where I can be me 100%. The shop has never held me back from sharing who I am and what I think and feel, but I have had to make sure the shop is always squeezed in, and it’s hard for people to see posts anymore and people just don’t respond on my social media the way they used to.
I created @littlepaperlaneshop so that all shop posts and inspiration is over there and for those not interested in me personally (I mean…why would they not want a piece of this hot mess of a pink haired woman right!?) they have a space to hang out where it’s all the shop all the time. Of course there will still be some shop stuff on my account on instagram because I create products for the shop and I share my day with everyone on my stories, so it won’t be all dogs eating my shoes and me having mental breakdowns all day long(maybe)
SO what will The Jayde Universe be like??!
Who fuckin’ knows??!!!
I guess it’s sort of like my January 1st. (In July…whoops I’m a bit late) I need to be able to get my brain mess out somehow. And I don’t love talking about things vocally face to face as much as I do writing them(or talking to myself in a camera on IG stories..I’m like my own therapist). So I’ll write them here. I might share my adventures more. The Jayde Universe will be what it needs to be. It’s for us all. The word Jaded can mean, tired and overworked. Lacking motivation. It means worn out. It can mean burnt out. Well I have been all those things and I may be all those things again in my life…but the meaning of the ‘Jade’ crystal is powerfully connected to the heart chakra. I always talk from the heart first and over think later. Jade is also extremely lucky. I actually can’t stand being called ‘lucky’ I feel like that’s lazy AND I WORK FOR MY SHIT. It doesn’t fall on my lap like crazy stalkers think it does…. I create my ‘luck’ myself. I always have and always will. But this Jayde has a ‘Y’ in it. Because I need to find my ‘why’ more. We all do. So I’ll roam my Universe in search of my ‘why’. I won’t change much. I’m not one to fake shit, I’m not clever enough. And I hope you will come along too.