Oh it feels good to have my hands typing and trying to type as fast as my wild brain is running.
I’ve had to deal with a person I have known online for almost as long as I have been online which is almost 7 years, turn out to be quite a nightmare sending me hiddeous messages.
It’s all just come to light really recently, and I’m both anxiety ridden but fueled by rage. I am not really the most angry person on earth usually, so its a different road for me to walk. I’m more of a burst of fire, then it just goes out super quick kind of gal.
I get over things ‘usually’ pretty quick. If I get the shits at Steve about anything(usually he is breathing too loud and its the day before my period and I lose it for a second) he knows to stay quiet for a few minutes because I get over it quicker than I got into that mood. So for anyone to make me feel angry for this long, you have to know that it’s had some serious shit thrown at me.
I’m like super pissed. You wouldn’t know it talking to me at all, because I’m not pissed off at the world, it’s just one person. I know anger is not good to hold onto, but the angry is a much better place for my head right now, than fear and anxiety of thinking a ‘whole lot’ of people can’t stand me. Shit gets done when you’re angry. It won’t last very long because I’m dealing with everything, and I feel very calmly in control. It’s a strange way to be. I have the anxiety like usual, but that’s because I’m tried and busy and all of this is exhausting, but I feel somewhat empowered.
This person offered to look after my dogs and housesit when we went away, so you can imagine my fire inside when I worked out it was her sending horrible emails to me, and random messages. She admitted everything to me in a message out of fear after I rambled one night on snapchat about how I would let my dog Thor find this person and sniff their crotch awkardly…she still doesn’t understand my humour which is a huge reason she gets all fired up about me.
I plan on talking a lot more about it once its all dealt with, And honestly the cops have to deal with it all now because thats the best way to handle it. I can’t go into details too much, but I want to say to everyone, if you have a weird feeling about someone, listen to your gut. I worked out who this person was before she ever admitted anything to me and before I worked it out, I had my suspicions about her and I even voiced that to a few people. Your guts and instinct know things. You may not be the super csi ninja detective that my friend Sonia and I are together, but your gut knows.
This person told me she won a huge amount of money, and at the time when I thought we were buddies, I was nothing but excited for her. She never really sounded excited about it, she just sort of got vague and I found it odd and thought maybe she didn’t win the money and was trying to bate me for some reason. I now feel like she did it to try and ‘expose me’ somehow. I think she probably either thought I would tell everyone or ask her for money. I have no clue?!? She admitted to me that she only won $64 so I’m still confused why she even told me?!? But for whatever reason it didn’t work.
She then kept unfollowing and re following me across all my social media platforms and I found it very odd, and immediately had my guard up, then one day she announced to me via private message on my instagram she was unfollowing because ‘you’re an idiot, goodbye forever’. I was shocked and told her so, and told her how upset I was as I thought we were buddies, then I immediately had suspicions about previous messages sent to me in similar tones.
Most people are real and lovely online in our LPL Gang, but I had my suspicions about her for a long time, but more “i find something odd and can’t put my finger on it” feelings. There were many clues which I will reveal one day when I can. But I want you all to be careful, because its quite a serious issue and we need to make sure we are all safe.
There is something very empowering about it all but I’m really really tired emotionally right now. Strong as well, but pretty drained, because I am the perfect contradiction always . It’s devastating to me because this person started this so long ago and I have physical problems now due to stress and have nerve damage forever because of it all and that makes me so angry, but I’m also relieved that not heaps of people are hating me. I mean they could, but those people go silently into the night, and the visions I have had of all these ‘people’ meeting and talking shit about me and laughing about me are fading because now I know that was just my anxiety and big imagination and one woman, not a collection of people.
And the world wants us to not give a fuck what others think, but I work hard to be a nice happy person, because I do really value the impact I have on the world and others and I don’t understand why ‘giving a fuck what others think’, is a bad thing?!? I can still be myself and want everyone to like me. But this person stripped a lot of that away. I really actually do respect when a person just unfollows and doesn’t tell me. It hurts to know that some people don’t like you, but thats life and if they just go on their way without a noise then thats so fine. The last year I have felt like a bit of myself has been lost. I know I’m getting totes mature, but there is an element of fear inside of me due to this persons messages of hate towards me, because I thought it was a collection of people. So that will take me a minute to get through, but I do feel better knowing the truth. The Unknown is what isn’t good for a person with an anxiety disorder.
But let me say this…it really annoyed me that Thor our almost 1 year old German Shepard x Husky, always barked at people going past the house, and is so protective of us all, and now, I am so proud to have an actual guard dog. Coco will fuck you up too if you hurt me, but its nice to know that my little(ginormous) Thory, wouldn’t even let a fly near us in the first place and he listens to us when a person isn’t a threat. Ive had some door knockers recently, and they are safe behind our gate, but I’ve told them I am observing how our dog reacts to strangers, when I don’t interfere, and he is so in control and so protective and as soon as I tell him to chill and Coco shows him they aren’t a threat he is sitting and keeping an eye on things.
He’s sitting next to me as I type which he does every single night, and when I go to bed he will pop himself down on the pink rug next to Minty and not move until the morning. Or if you’re the always fresh delivery dude and you accidentally open the gate at 3am to deliver a box of food, then he will bark like fucking mad and wake us all in in a fright. No one is getting through that door and soon no one is going to be able to get through my mental door to me either. Every message she now sends my heart races a little less, and my anxiety disappears a bit quicker. I feel myself getting over it quicker. But the rage is still there. A white hot fire. A calm fire. It’s a fire that you wouldn’t want to fuck with right now. I’ve started hypnosis and more acupuncture and that is helping and I will reveal more about that later…I wish I could send this woman the bill though. It pisses me OFF hardcore the amount of medical help I need already and NOW i need more. Does this fuckhead realise how much it costs other when they get all cunty online. The rage will fade. But my determination to not let one human being control my emotions will not. I refused to be different just because someone doesn’t like me. Thats your problem..not mine sunshine.